My world was shut. I was walking in and out of my everyday life, blindly. I had everything – my Loving wife, recently born son, groups of humble friends, top-floor apartment with breathtaking views, brand new car and my own desk in a nine to five job in my funky CBD. I had put in so much effort to create this comfortable life, for myself and my family. I had it all. I’m sure, I was happy.
‘I should be grateful. I should be happy. Even, if I didn’t feel happy, I should be happy.’
Then one day came. My soul had been knocking my door for the longest of time, perhaps more than a year. On this day, I relented – I opened the door. She was a very kind guest to an aloof host. She only pointed to where she came from. Then she left.
I did not need to return the visit. Magically, I was there, instantaneously, where she pointed to – a kind of heaven, which I’ve learnt to be a place that has a dramatic entrance and peaceful exit. This place was where I would be honest with myself, finally. I spoke and I heard myself – and then I re-spoke. I was being tossed and turned, inside out. I decided to stick there for awhile…
On this one day I noticed this about my life then – I have it all, but I was not there at all.
I was somewhere else, a place that I would only dream of, when I look at the sky in the nighttime. This place I used to dream of every night when I was a little boy. This one day, I noticed him, again, after a long time. He looked pale but very much alive.
He was still holding on to the rails of the window, holding on to his dream, his tears wetting the curtains, either unknowingly or uncaringly and waiting for something. (For me?)
I had braved the world and walked forward to build a life of comfort and decent success – the kind of life that everyone, especially friends and family would nod their heads to, give me the thumbs up for. And, I, as far as I remember, did this for the little boy looking out of the window every night.
“I will go out in to the world, become a good person with all the good things in life. I will become sociable, normal – nothing like you are now. No one knows you more than me – I know you are struggling to be you in this world, I know how painful it is for you, how utterly painful.
I have seen your pillow soaked in your tears every night. You want to be accepted in life as yourself, but you are too sensitive for the world.
You want Love to lead the way. You want to swim in emotions, not alone, but with some friends. You want to play, sing and dance. You want to throw hugs at people every day. You want to make your dream into reality. A dream of a life of non-circumstance and freedom to be yourself and to be Loved just as you Love all. I will help you. I will go out in to the world and make a less painful life for you, so you are okay.”
And I did just that. But, I never came back to my inner child. He was left there, staring out of the window, every day, alone, with the dream in his heart, lost in oblivion, his face wet with tears of pain, for many years at end.
On this one day, I noticed this about my life then – I had it all, but I was not there at all. I was stuck in limbo. I had not the courage to go back to my inner child.
What would I tell him? That I have managed to make myself okay in the world, but, by putting his dream aside?
Oh dear, I had come so far, but I had neglected the little boy all these years – I had it all, but his dream was nowhere close to be found within my achievements. I had played by the books of the world, not from the will of my inner child. I had left the dream with him and I had left him too. At that moment, either was I too ashamed or my ego would not let me return to him, to take a peek at his dream, to remember it, to re-connect with it. To save it. All I had done was to drop the pain and drop the dream. I left him with the false hope that I was going to fix the pain and then return to bridge the void between his dream and reality – my dream – our dream.
I had been living my life to get rid of the pain. And, I removed all the things that were giving me this pain. And, I added all the things which I knew would prevent further pain. But, still there I was, unhappy even after the whole saga.
I realized my cowardice, on this one day. Instead of living my dream I was hiding from it. When it came to making a choice between my dream with some pain and no pain without my dream, I had chosen the latter. I had chosen the latter, convincing myself, that when I reach the point of painlessness, I may come back to my dream. Then, I heard the truth.
‘You either pick up your dream and live it or drop your dream and leave it – pain or no pain, support or no support.’
Thankfully, my inner child did not move from his spot in the nighttime. Thankfully, he was still dreaming, regardless of his tears. Thankfully, I was able to see him again, on this one day.
Thank God, I had the courage to reunite with my inner self, for now, I am living the life of my dreams.
“Thank you so much to be able to appreciate all the beautiful things of life and limitless magic our souls create. Thank you for courage within to carry my burgeoning dream through the wind. I am blessed with a sense of adventure and inquisitiveness a child feels.”